16 January 2021 – London, England

‘lockdown london’

normally i talk about heartbreak as a good thing – it tells you what you care about, it helps you grow, it teaches you about yourself. but this time i don’t like the heartbreak of missing home and the colours of the gums and the sky. the way the mid afternoon summer sky is dusty blue and the clouds are white – no rain in them yet. • 

i miss walking down access trails, navigating across wilderness areas, singing a song in my heart just for me. i enjoy being alone at home because i have all the landscape and flora and fauna with me. • 

long periods alone don’t worry me terribly. i frequently want to have time and space alone, one of my favourite things is a long drive in an empty car. but this kind of lockdown being alone reminds me of all the people i miss, who are free on the other side of the world. i know and trust why i’m here, but it’s hard when you miss their hugs, the feeling of them sitting on your lap, or their hands softly stroking your hair. i miss holding granny’s hand as we sit and chat. i miss kissing grandpa on both cheeks on a monday evening. •

don’t get me wrong, i don’t feel lonely or alone. not at all. i’m absolutely socially satisfied. but i miss home, the grit between my teeth, the cliffs of the sydney basin, the wide riverina plain. when i get home, i want to just drive and drive and jump into the snowy river at the border of nsw and victoria and let all this grime wash off. i normally like heartbreak.. but this time it’s not the one.