14 July 2021 – London, England

 ‘i am the plant’

been struggling with words more than usual lately. i know i talk a lot on here, i try and wind words around each other, i attempt to paint the pictures that occur inside me onto the page. but words are coming really hard at the moment. ••• 

i look at photographs from the past few weeks. cos everything is in pictures inside my head, it helps to look at the world as a series of images rather than objects or people. the colours and shapes in the evening are far more interesting than anything i could say about them. i like the way light and colour play. ••• 

i’m frequently wishing i could say what i mean more often. ask what i really am asking, not the questions in between that i conjure up in an attempt to work out what words i’m feeling. to work out what i’m asking. i think i’d accidentally argue with people much less (sometimes now feels a lot like 2017-18 and i don’t like that). i’d feel a lot less stupid. •••

so let the images be a bid for connection. they all say something that words don’t capture. sound is too much, speech is a lot sometimes. but pictures and colours and smiles are always welcome. i’ll get through this patch, then load up the bike, run away because it’s summer and that’s allowed, and i can sit on my own and stare at the landscape and think my wordless thoughts until the words come easy again. ••• 

for now, we stretch and fold the dough. cut up leeks swiftly (they are so green). comprehend the shape of mushrooms at the markets. try to be a good housemate. know that we prune plants so that they can flourish later. i’m the plant (i’m always the plant)