‘central line performance’
everything feels out of control. i can control whether things happen or not. so i say no to it all. dinner, no. seeing my sister, no. nothing can change from what I’ve planned, no diversions allowed. hanging out? absolutely not.
i’m trying to control this worry about it all, by denying everything that could change it. i’m sick with worry so i can’t work, so i do nothing. doing nothing feels productive, safe. of course, it’s not. to remember how to live is to remember how to breathe, is to remember the stories i want to tell with my instrument, is to live and work.
we work to live but i argue as an artist, we live to work too. this staring into space feels productive but really it’s stifling. stop saying no. say yes so the horizon widens and you can breathe. say yes to the things that make you open your eyes. be present. come out of yourself, and embrace the world. (the world is not like you, it is not worried. steal that contentment from it while you can).
on the platform, the train indicator boards say “here”. am i? the next train pulls in before i reach the other end of the platform. am i here yet?
i’ve changed trains now. it’s too late to know if i was ever really there.